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Funny New Year Resolutions | New Year Funny Quotes | New Year Funny Email Forwards

Funny New Year Resolutions | New Year Funny Quotes | New Year Funny Email Forwards
Check out these funny and innovative New Year’s Resolutions! Enjoy these and make some for yourself…Surely you will enjoy!!
* Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my nightdress. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
* I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
* I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.
* I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

* I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.
* Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.
* I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly….
* I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.
* I will stop sending e-mails to my wife (husband).
* I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
* I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
* I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
* I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
* I will think of a password other than “password.”
* I will not tell the same story at every get together.
* I won’t worry so much.
* I will cut my hair.
* I will grow my hair.
* I will stop considering other people’s feelings when they so obviously don’t consider mine – if that unwashed fellow sits next to me again, I’ll tell him he stinks!
* I will be more imaginative.
* I will not hang around girls – they think you love them and that sucks.
* I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.
Resolutions You Would be Tempted to Keep…
For those who are scared of making resolutions here are some resolutions they would actually be tempted to keep!!
* Spend more time watching TV / movies.
* Chat more over phone / Internet.
* Read less.
* I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
* Stop exercising. Waste of time.
* Procrastinate more.
* Drink. Drink some more.
* Start being superstitious.
* Spend more less time at work.
* Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
* Take up a new habit: Maybe smoking!
Funny New Year Quotes by Great People
The New Year may be a significant event for many people. But the absurdities of the celebration cannot escape a skeptic’s mind. Here are some funny New Year quotes. What better way to start a New Year than with a hearty laugh? You can share your joy by greeting everybody with these funny New Year quotes.
Mark Twain
New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.
Brooks Atkinson
Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.
Bill Vaughan
Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.
P. J. O’Rourke
The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.
Jay Leno
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution.
James Agate
New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.
Eric Zorn
Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle.
Bill Vaughan
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
Charles Lamb
New Year’s Day is every man’s birthday.
Oprah Winfrey
Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.
Mark Twain
New Year’s Day… now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
Judith Crist
Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let’s just wish each other a bile-less New Year and leave it at that.
Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.
Joey Adams
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions!
Anais Nin
I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.
Oscar Wilde
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.
Robert Paul
I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other.
Leonard Bernstein
From New Year’s on the outlook brightens; good humor lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining.
G. K. Chesterton
The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul and a new nose; new feet, a new backbone, new ears, and new eyes. Unless a particular man made New Year resolutions, he would make no resolutions. Unless a man starts afresh about things, he will certainly do nothing effective. Unless a man starts on the strange assumption that he has never existed before, it is quite certain that he will never exist afterwards. Unless a man be born again, he shall by no means enter into the Kingdom of Heaven.
New Year Greetings by Great People
Do you want to send a special New Year greeting to your friends? Here is a great collection of New Year greetings. Some of the greetings convey worldly wisdom, while others present a diverse perspective about the New Year. Choose from this collection of New Year greetings to send good wishes to your near and dear ones.
Thomas Mann
Time has no divisions to mark its passage; there is never a thunderstorm or blare of trumpets to announce the beginning of a new month or year. Even when a new century begins it is only we mortals who ring bells and fire off pistols.
Hamilton Wright Mabie
New Year’s eve is like every other night; there is no pause in the march of the universe, no breathless moment of silence among created things that the passage of another twelve months may be noted; and yet no man has quite the same thoughts this evening that come with the coming of darkness on other nights.
Charles Lamb
No one ever regarded the first of January with indifference. It is that from which all date their time, and count upon what is left. It is the nativity of our common Adam.
Alfred Lord Tennyson
Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.
William Ellery Channing
I will seek elegance rather than luxury, refinement rather than fashion. I will seek to be worthy more than respectable, wealthy and not rich. I will study hard, think quietly, talk gently, and act frankly. I will listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with an open heart. I will bear all things cheerfully, do all things bravely await occasions and hurry never. In a word I will let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious grow up through the common.
Ann Landers
Let this coming year be better than all the others. Vow to do some of the things you’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t find the time. Call up a forgotten friend. Drop an old grudge, and replace it with some pleasant memories. Vow not to make a promise you don’t think you can keep. Walk tall, and smile more. You’ll look ten years younger. Don’t be afraid to say, ‘I love you’. Say it again. They are the sweetest words in the world.
Maria Edgeworth
There is no moment like the present. The man who will not execute his resolutions when they are fresh upon him can have no hope from them afterwards: they will be dissipated, lost, and perish in the hurry and scurry of the world, or sunk in the slough of indolence.
P. J. O’Rourke
It is better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there’s no money.
Ogden Nash
Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn’t it, of a long line of proven criminals?
George William Curtis
The New Year begins in a snow storm of white vows.
Ellen Goodman
We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives, not looking for flaws, but for potential.
Samuel Johnson
Surely, it is much easier to respect a man who has always had respect, than to respect a man who we know was last year no better than ourselves, and will be no better next year.
Friedrich Nietzsche
No, life has not disappointed me. On the contrary, I find it truer, more desirable and mysterious every year ever since the day when the great liberator came to me: the idea that life could be an experiment of the seeker for knowledge and not a duty, not a calamity, not trickery.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear, and with a manly heart.
Kersti Bergroth
It is difficult not to believe that the next year will be better than the old one! And this illusion is not wrong. Future is always good, no matter what happens. It will always give us what we need and what we want in secret. It will always bless us with right gifts. Thus in a deeper sense our belief in the New Year cannot deceive us.
Albert Einstein
I feel that you are justified in looking into the future with true assurance, because you have a mode of living in which we find the joy of life and the joy of work harmoniously combined. Added to this is the spirit of ambition which pervades your very being, and seems to make the day’s work like a happy child at play.
Funny New Year Resolutions Part -2
I’m always curious about other people’s New Year’s Resolutions. It’s always interesting to know the way other minds work, and often enough it also endorses an old belief of mine – that the world is really a funnier place than we think.
Here are some resolutions, in no particular order, that I came across and found, well, interesting :
1. I will not look at boys – 13 year old girl
2. I will not tell the same story at every get together- Incorrigible bore
3. I will eat ice-cream at midnight – every midnight of the year, I mean, not just this one – Ice-cream Connoisseur
4. I will not let the dog hog the pillow, growl at me from the sofa, and snatch the bun from my plate – this year she’s going to learn that I’m the Alpha of the house and only I get to do certain things – Owner of untrained dog.
5. I won’t worry so much – Fuss Budget
6. I need to start worrying a little – The Merry Spirit
7. I will cut my hair – Longhaired person
8. I will grow my hair – Shorthaired person
9. I will shave my head – Hairy person
10. I will polish my pate – Bald person
11. So many men, so little time – will make more time – Young Woman
12. This year I’m going to be kind – Unkind Person
13. This year I’m going to stop being so nice – Person who overdid it.
14. I will quack like a duck first thing in the morning and last thing at night – Donald Duck Fan
15. I will do less laundry and use more deodorant – Lazy and Smart Fellow
16. I will stop considering other people’s feelings when they so obviously don’t consider mine – if that unwashed fellow sits next to me again, I’ll TELL him he stinks! – Diffident classmate of Lazy and Smart Fellow
17. I’m going to learn cusswords in different languages – Expert Cusser in Own Language.
18. I don’t need no STINKING resolutions! – Resolute Stinker
19. If I see a UFO I won’t tell anybody about it – Spoilsport
20. I will remember that Muffin Day is on the 29th of every month – Muffin Lover
21. I will not tell lies – 10 year old liar.
22. I will be more imaginative – 30 year old ‘Creative Person’
23. I will rename my dog something really strange and long – Exotically Inclined Person
24. I resolve to be nice to people without bringing Jesus into the equation – Secular Person
25. With that cloned cow having given birth and everything, I resolve to pay more attention to where my food comes from this next year – Organic Eater
26.I hope to be able to make people think happy thoughts when they think of me – Goody Good Two Shoes
27. I will go on long ego trips – Honest Egoist
28. I will prognosticate that I will probably procrastinate engaging in all the objectives I have premeditated for this approaching twelvemonth – Honest Wordsmith
29. I will have noble thoughts – Impure Thinker
30. I will not puff my entire body to twice its size and screech in her ear after my human has finished watching a horror movie. – Pet Cat
31. I will not bite the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.- Pet Dog
32. I’ll help the Green House Effect and stop throwing my rubbish into the school drain – Tween boy
33. I will stop throwing water down from the top floor at our school at the people passing below – Tween boy
34. I will not hang around girls – they think you love them and that sucks – Tween boy
35. I will not let lose my bodily functions right when somebody is walking underneath – Crow on the topbranch of the tree
36. I will flit gently into the night – Fruit Bat
37. I will never squat again with my spurs on – Cowboy
38. I will never again smack a man that’s been chewing tobacco – Cowboy
39. I will remember that life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce. – Experienced Bouncer
40. I will remember it isn’t worthwhile wrestling with pigs – you get all muddy and don’t the pigs just love it! – Experienced Mud Wrestler and Pig Keeper.
41. I will take neither myself nor any of the above seriously – Me


December 31, 2008 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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